


Lifetimes of Remembering

by Sage (the_ruined_earth_sagelord)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:11:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4340858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_ruined_earth_sagelord/pseuds/Sage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mish mash of situations in which Killua meets Gon in different lifetimes. And is broken. A lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lifetimes of Remembering

     Killua met Gon outside a train station, with thunder in the background and the taste of coffee in his mouth. He was on a trip across the country, an exchange program for school. He wanted to see the Rocky Mountains, the Great Basin, the western wilds of the nation. He hadn’t counted on meeting Gon in this part of the country, or any part at all. He didn’t want to anymore. He could still remember what it felt like the last time he’d met Gon. He hated remembering.

     But still, he always loved meeting Gon. Again. For as many times as he could. Even if it hurt.

     Some pain was worth repeating, especially for the ones you loved.

 

***

 

     He ran into a solid wall of muscle and fell to the ground, right on his butt. He yelped, his nose stinging. “Hey, moron, what’s the big deal? We gotta keep moving!”

     The big kid in front of him turned to look over his shoulder, lifting the barrel of his arc-rifle to lean it on his wide shoulders. The photon magazine rested against his sturdy cheekbones, and his amber eyes stared back at Killua.

     “Sorry, Captain,” Gon said, rubbing the back of his head bashfully. “But there’s some land mines up ahead. Didn’t want the squad running into them.”

     Killua rubbed his nose, humming in annoyance. He looked at the field ahead of them, then narrowed his eyes at Gon. “How do you know, Private Freecs?”

     Gon smiled, tapping the side of his nose. “I could smell the powder. Hasty build, these mines, and close to the surface, if you can smell the powder.”

     Killua and the others in the squad tried sniffing the air, but none of them could pick out any scents.

     “Orders, Captain?” asked one of the other gunmen.

     Killua glanced back at his team. Young guys. Rebels without a cause, except for one flare of anger in their hearts. None of them could take the oppression of the Chimera Empire anymore. They’d joined the rebellion as soon as they’d turned eighteen.

     “Right, walk carefully,” Killua ordered. “Freecs, lead us through.”

     Gon’s smile was like sunshine in the acrid fields of black smoke and gunfire around them. “Yes, Captain,” he said. He took a careful step forward. “It’ll be tricky, but I think—”

     The mines close to the surface must have been decoys. There was a _click_ , and Gon’s smile vanished. In a movement faster than the bomb was able to go off, he whirled around and knocked Killua and most of the other soldiers back, far from the blast. His amber eyes were lit with yellow and red, then black smoke and fire, and Killua saw the explosion for what it was, as the yellow light ate at Gon, consumed him body and soul.

     It wasn’t until the ringing in his ears disappeared, and the yellow and red light vanished from Killua’s eyes, that he remembered.

 

***

 

     This time he remembered right away, the first time he saw those golden eyes and spiky dark hair. He tried not to, but a squire was always in service to his knight, so young Killua couldn’t help it. He was always near his master, Gon the galavant. From the moment he laid his eyes on Gon, Killua knew that only tragedy awaited his master. But still he was faithful. He was Gon’s squire, after all. His companion.

     When he heard the news of how the king’s palace had burned down, with the king and all his knights inside, Killua almost wasn’t surprised. He could see in his mind the yellow and red fire eating the castle grounds, tearing at the tapestries, devouring his master. His Gon.

 

***

 

     He didn’t remember this time. He had just always known. Ever since he could speak, he had known there was something missing. In primary school, he’d known what it was, who it was. And he was grateful, for he’d gone his whole life without meeting him yet.

     When the air raid sirens started going off, and the students all crawled under their desks like they’d been taught, Killua was the only silent one. The other children thought it was another drill. War time schooling was full of them. But Killua knew it had come. The red and yellow light. Come to annihilate the school, the suburb, the entire city. So while the other students chittered nervously amongst themselves, only Killua cried softly into his hands, knowing that somewhere out in the city, Gon was hearing the siren as well, was under a desk, was closing his eyes and waiting patiently for the alarm to end. For this world war to end. For it all to be over.

     The flash of light. The boom, the shockwave. And Killua relived it all again.

 

***

 

     They met in a coffee shop in downtown New York City. After his transition, he’d chosen the name Killua. He liked the sound of it. Four weeks after his surgery, Killua still felt tired sometimes, though his T-shots helped with energy, even if he was feeling hungrier than ever. The coffee shop was his favorite place to go when he wanted to sit and be alone with his poetry, watching people outside the shop hurry along the sidewalk, heads to the ground, barreling through the crowds to wherever it was they were headed. Killua’s parents didn’t like him going there. Said he was “wasting his time.” His parents could suck an entire ass.

     When he’d curled into his favorite corner booth and powered up his laptop, Killua happened to look up and catch the amber eyes, spot the shock of spiky hair. He choked on his coffee, his eyes widening as he took in the tall, confident stance, the way the guy’s green jumpsuit hugged his chiseled form, the happy grin plastered on his face

     “That,” Killua muttered to his coffee, “is one hot piece of ass right there, yes sirree.”

     The tall boy caught Killua’s eye and turned, smiling brighter than the sun at him. Killua choked again on his coffee and sank into his booth. He buried his face behind his computer.

     “Mind if I join you?”

     Killua froze. With eyes like a cat’s, narrowed and suspicious, he peered over the top of his laptop.

     His stomach dropped and his heart did a somersault. Those amber eyes were fixed on him.

     Killua gulped, forcing what he thought might be considered a polite smile. “Um, actually, I’d rather be…”

     The other guy’s eyes widened, showing all that golden amber inside. “Oh! No problem, I get it.” He smiled cheerily. “Enjoy your coffee.”

     The boy turned, his jacket pulling against his wide shoulders, Killua’s eyes following the movement. He bit his lip. What the hell was he doing?

     “W-wait!”

     Smile like sunshine, the guy paused. “Yeah?”

     Killua felt like he was melting under the rays of actual sunlight emanating from the boy’s body. “I mean, you can, whatever, I guess if you want, mpff mmmwimble mwmpp…”

     The big guy’s smile got even wider. “Didn’t understand a word of that at the end, but I think you said I could sit down?” Without waiting for an answer, he plopped down into the spot next to Killua, the booth’s cushion sagging under his weight. Killua felt his end of the cushion puff up, practically launching him towards the ceiling, and he had to stop himself from squealing out loud.

     The boy gave him an apologetic look before introducing himself.

     “Anyway, I’m Gon. Gon Freecs.”

     That smile. The amber light shimmering in his eyes.

     Killua caught himself staring and shook himself up, nodding politely. “I’m Killua Zoldyck.”

     The amber light widened. “From _the_ Zoldyck family?”

     Killua cringed. “Yeah, I guess.”

     Gon’s smile was impossibly huge. “That’s awesome!”His voice carried across the coffee shop, and the other patrons all hushed, turning to see what the commotion was. Killua face went red, and he sank miserably into his seat, slinking down below the table.

     “You’re one of the actual Zoldycks,” Gon exclaimed, pulling Killua up and staring at him with stars in his golden eyes. “Killua! That’s so cool!”

     Killua fidgeted with his coffee cup, his expression strained. “It’s not really,” he protested. “They’re not all that great. I don’t really like my family anyways.”

     Gon’s face fell. “Ohh,” he murmured in an almost knowing fashion. “I can relate, sort of.” He grimaced. “Daddy issues.”

     Killua stole a glance over his coffee cup at the muscular, happy-go-lucky teen. His smile brightened the room, his physical presence took up the entire booth. This kid? Problems with his dad? Whatever they were, Gon certainly didn’t let it show they were there.

     “Hey, um, Gon?”

     “Yes, Killua?”

     “Could you, like, scooch over a bit? I’m kinda, um, squashed under you.”

     “Oh!” Gon scooted to the side, his eyes full of concern. “Did I hurt you, Killua?”

     Killua tried to answer, but something caught in his throat. His breath was gone. He was close to Gon’s face, the deeply tanned skin inches from his, the lips turned down in a frown, the glowing eyes fret with worry. Had he hurt Killua? No, Killua didn’t imagine this boy could ever hurt him. He could probably lift a truck over his head, but hurt someone? Hurt Killua? No. Never.

     So why did the question give him pause?

     “No,” Killua said breathlessly. “No, you’re not hurting me, Gon. You couldn’t.”

     Gon smiled, his face confused at first, then softening.

     “Say, Killua…”

     Breath hitching in his throat again. Damn it. “Yes.”

     “What are you doing, say, tomorrow night?”

     Nothing. “Not sure.” Said with a shrug.

     Golden smile. “Well, if you find out you’re not doing anything, would you want to go catch a movie?”

     Heart pounding in his thin chest. His eyes peered out from his silver hair. “Are you serious?”

     Gon nodded solemnly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

     “Well, like, I don’t know you, you don’t know me, you could be a creep, _I_ could be a creep—”

     “Are you?”

     “Well, I mean, _no,_ but—”

     “Okay then.” Gon smiled. “As long as you’re not a creep, or a clown.” He shuddered. “Clowns freak me out.”

     “But we don’t know each other, Gon,” Killua protested.

     “We could,” Gon pointed out, and Killua lost his breath again. What did he mean?

     “Rather, we could get to know each other,” Gon explained. “And anyway, I feel like I know you already. Why wouldn’t I? We both have similar problems. We’re just moving through them differently. Maybe we can help each other out?”

_You have no idea what I’m going through, Gon. You couldn’t know._

     He wanted to say those words with snark and sass, then leave the shop. But (besides the fact that he physically _couldn’t_ leave the booth as he was blocked by a giant smiling boy) Killua found he didn’t want to.

     “Tomorrow night?”

     Gon smiled.

 

     They’d been dating for five weeks when Killua decided he needed to come out to Gon. They were at the same coffee shop they’d first met in, sipping hot chocolate, cuddled together against the first chill of autumn in their favorite booth. Killua loved how easily he fit into Gon’s arms, like he’d been meant to rest right there in Gon’s lap, with the boy’s brawny, tanned arms wrapped around Killua’s thin, pale frame. He lifted his head, kissing Gon’s nose, and Gon hummed with pleasure, sending vibrations through Killua’s body. It made him feel warm.

     And wanted.

     “Gon,” he said, and the heat rising to his face wasn’t from the hot chocolate or Gon’s body temperature. He could feel his nerves like fire. Was he ready for this? Would Gon be? Gon looked down at Killua, his golden eyes soft and filled with love. They still took Killua’s breath away.

     “Yes, Killua?”

     He took a deep breath. Ready or not, he wanted to do this. He wanted to know Gon forever. And he wanted Gon to know him.

     “Gon, you know how we haven’t, um, you know, _done_ anything yet?”

     Gon frowned, puzzled. “We went to that bowling alley just last night.”

     Killua smiled, his tension breaking. “No, doofus,” he laughed, and swooped up to kiss Gon on the nose again. Gon smiled, and Killua figured the other boy knew exactly what he meant.

     “Yeah, we haven’t,” Gon said, confirming Killua’s suspicion. He shrugged. “It’s okay. I don’t mind waiting. I don’t even know if I’m ready yet, either,” he admitted, and Killua saw genuine anxiety in the golden eyes. He wanted to pet Gon’s hair at that exact moment, tell him not to fret. The big dope.

     “Well, okay, cool,” Killua said. “I mean, yeah, I don’t know if I’m ready either. But I guess you could say there’s, well, a reason I haven’t wanted to do anything, you know, below the belt. I haven’t, uh, wanted you down...there...”

     Gon stared innocently at Killua. Killua breathed.

     “I’m, um… Gon, I’m…”

_What if Gon left him?_

     Killua froze.

_What if Gon thought he’d been lied to? What if Gon didn’t like him anymore?_

     “I’m…I…”

     “Killua.”

     Killua looked up.

     The amber light shone down at him. The smile on his face was sunlight.

     “Killua,” Gon whispered. “It’s okay. If you’re not comfortable now, tell me whatever it is another time.”

     “But I want to tell you now,” Killua whispered back, his voice trembling. He hoped Gon didn’t hear how afraid he sounded. But Gon must have, for the tree trunk arms wrapped quickly around Killua’s waist, the porcupine-like bush of black hair was suddenly in his face, and Gon leaned forward into a hug that smothered poor Killua underneath his whole body. He enveloped Killua, and everything in Killua seemed to melt away at that point.

     “I’m, uh…” He laughed shakily, tears in his eyes. He was having so much trouble telling the person he cared about something so small, something so big. “I’m tra… tran… Gon, I’m trans—”

     Gon pulled away, his hands on Killua’s shoulders, an arm’s distance between them. “Killua,” he said firmly, and Killua bit his lip, hesitating. Gon stared deep into Killua’s eyes, like he’d never done before.

     And he smiled. “It’s okay. I get what you’re saying. If it’s that hard to tell me, then you must have had rotten support as a kid at home.”

     Killua nodded, his vision blurry. “Y-you’re not…mad at me?”

     Gon’s eyes widened. Wide as dinner plates. Wider than Killua had ever seen them.

     Then he leaned in and embraced Killua in the most gentle, most loving hug he had ever received in his life. He couldn’t even remember his mother touching him like this. It was light, but still tight and close. He could hear Gon’s heartbeat, feel it in his temples like it was his own pulse.

     “You are you,” Gon whispered into Killua’s ear. “And I love Killua for Killua. All of him. _Him._ I love you for all of _you_ , Killua. I will never, never stop loving you for you.”

     Killua broke down into Gon’s arms, his tears drenching Gon’s sleeve.

 

     That time around, Killua never remembered him from Before. It was one of the happier times.

 

***

 

     Several times around, and Killua found himself in an alley, red lights flashing on and off, interspersed with blue. He was backed into a corner. He raised his gun.

     A deep voice from the cop car. “Freeze!”

     Killua saw a flash of amber amidst the red and blue lights, then the flash of yellow in the bang from the gun, and he cursed the world as he collapsed to the ground, and darkness took him.

 

***

 

     Killua Zoldyck met Gon Freecs at an AA meeting. Gon was to be Killua’s sponsor, and Killua was assured by the group leader that Gon was a practical, responsible man. Once Killua saw Gon for himself, catching sight of those amber eyes, he quickly excused himself from the meeting. He rushed outside and puked into the bushes. Sometimes remembering was painful.

     Killua avoided the AA meetings after that.

 

***

 

     Five year old Killua watched the soccer champion Gon Freecs win the national title on television with his team. He told his mother he would play soccer too. She laughed.

 

***

 

     Killua raced through the woods, his legs taking up as much ground as possible with the power of Godspeed. He could see yellow and red flashes up ahead. He had to get to him. He had to get to Gon before that Ant did anything to him. He had to save him this time. He had to. He couldn’t keep going on like this. Remembering him. Losing him.

     Another yellow flash of _nen_. A huge one.

     “ _GON!”_

 

***

 

     Killua gripped the seat of his chair, his thin fingers clutching at the cold metal. Of course he had to have the only name starting with “Z” in his entire graduating class. Of over four hundred people. And they were only on the “F” names.

     “Gon Freecs.”

     Applause. A tall, lanky boy with spiky black hair and eyes like liquid sunlight sprinted up to the stage, smiling the whole way. He grabbed his diploma, vibrantly shaking the dean’s hand and grinning out at the huge audience, amber eyes searching for his family no doubt.

     Killua’s hands loosened on his seat, his mouth opening in a small “o”.

     He ran out of the graduation hall.

 

***

 

     Killua met Gon outside a train station, with thunder in the background and the taste of coffee in his mouth. He was on a trip across the country, an exchange program for school. He wanted to see the Rocky Mountains, the Great Basin, the western wilds of the nation. He hadn’t counted on meeting Gon in this part of the country, or any part at all. He didn’t want to anymore.

     The tall boy with dark hair looked up into Killua’s face, a blank expression on his tanned face. He smiled tiredly at Killua, his golden eyes lighting up for the briefest of moments.

     “Looks like we’re neighbors,” Gon said, indicating his seat number on his ticket. Killua didn’t need to bother checking his ticket. He knew the seats were next to each other. He wouldn’t have looked away from Gon anyway. The moment he’d seen the green shirt in the wind, the lean frame, the black hair, Killua had followed Gon onto the train, right to their neighboring seats.

     “Yeah, you’re right,” Killua said softly. “I look forward to riding with you.”

     Gon smiled. “Where are you going?”

     Killua swallowed.

     It didn’t matter. All thoughts and plans of the Rocky Mountains melted from his mind. He’s been so excited to go, so excited, before he remembered. Before he’d spotted Gon from behind, wreathed in steam and water vapor from the train.

     “I don’t know anymore,” Killua whispered. He stood in the aisle, people passing him, stuffing luggage into compartments. He didn’t see any of it. Didn’t hear anyone else. He didn’t want to remember anymore. He didn’t want to keep losing him.

     “Neither do I, Killua.”

     The train lurched forward.

     Killua didn’t feel it.

     The conductor’s voice came over the intercoms.

     Killua didn’t hear it.

     “What…”

     Gon smiled tiredly again. He gestured to the seat next to him. “I’m kinda tired of chasing you, Killua,” he said, amber eyes never leaving Killua’s face. “I don’t want to keep losing you.”

     Killua sank into the seat. He stared into Gon’s face. The train picked up speed.

     “You remember this time, Gon?” He could barely speak louder than a breath.

     Gon reached out, cupped Killua’s face. He pulled Killua closer to him, their foreheads bumping into each other, soft and gentle, like he’d always been to Killua. Only to Killua.

     “Looks like you do to,” Gon said into Killua’s ear. Breath hot. Voice tight and high. Killua swallowed. He knew the way Gon’s voice got when he was about to cry.

     “Gon,” he said.

     “Killua.”

     They embraced, their heads resting against each other, their arms hugging tight, this time refusing to let go. This time, refusing to lose the other.

     He hated remembering.

     But still, he always loved meeting Gon. Again. For as many times as he could. Even if it hurt.

     Some pain was worth repeating, especially for the ones you loved.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Chibu for beta reading this! I wrote this in a day, as you can probably tell by my shitty euphemisms and metaphors. Oh well lmao. It feels good to finally write sappy fanfiction and to be active on here again! These boys are actually going to be the death of me sooooo :):):):):) here ya go
> 
> also did you get the clown reference? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


End file.
